I had to go out last night around six and just before I left the story broke that Michael Jackson had been in cardiac arrest but he was alive at the hospital.  My husband (a former EMT) commented that not many folks came back from full on cardiac  arrest and it would be unusual if MJ was one who did.    Then I left, thinking nothing of it.  I figured he was alive, he’d be ok.  After all, he was Michael Jackson.  It didn’t even occur to me to pray for him, and I pray for everyone.  Heck, I always pray for the person inside if I see an amubulence.  When my husband called me to tell me MJ had died, I felt bad that I hadn’t prayed and I felt terrible for his poor children who are now orphans and I felt… indifference.  There was none of the pit of the stomach sadness that I usually feel when someone has passed.  Like I felt for Princess Diana, or John Ritter, or Farrah.  In fact, I told my husband, “Well, folks are gonna gloss right over Farrah dying now, just like they did when Jim Henson died on the same day as Sammy Davis Junior, and so I felt like I grieved alone for my Jim.”  My husband told me that not everything is about ME, but of course, that’s crazy talk.  😉

I used to be a huge MJ fan.  My sister had Thriller (as a record, no less!) and we listened to it all the time.  On one of my birthdays (maybe 15th?) we rented a VCR (yes RENTED.  They were expensive and state of the art at one time!) and the Making of Thriller video, and watched it at my party.  Then we spent the night trying to learn the Thriller dance.  It was a fabulous party and I have a lot of fond memories from it.  I also remember watching that Motown celebration where he moonwalked.  I was in like the ninth grade and when he was done our family applauded him!  Who does that?  We certainly didn’t  and yet we DID.  Then we kept trying to do it and couldn’t and the next day the entire school was full of uncoordinated moonwalking fools.  I would miss THIS Michael Jackson.

I was a huge fan of the Jackson 5.  I watched their cartoon show when I was small.  I had their records.  I wanted to marry Michael.  He was such a handsome little boy.  He had a beautiful face (which is why I never understood why he started messing with it), he had the most amazing voice I have EVER heard on a child, strong and soaring and tough, and he could really dance.    I would miss THIS Michael Jackson too.

He was sooo talented, I SHOULD  miss him.   The reason I don’t is because I feel like he already died years ago and I’ve already gotten my grieving over with.  The poor creature that died yesterday is NOT the same person I used to be a fan of.  The person who died yesterday had messed with his face until he was an unrecognizable freak with no nose to speak of.  Changing his nose had changed his voice for the worse already.  He had dyed his skin white until he didn’t even look like he’d ever been black.  In fact, my daughter when she was 8 refused to believe me when I showed her pictures of MJ as a child.  She thought I was messing with her.  And yes, I know he claimed to have a skin disorder.  The thing is, I have a family member with the same thing and lets just say that they aren’t the same at ALL.  MJ might have had it, but I think his skin was white mostly because he bleached it.  There is just no question in my mind.

This person who died yesterday had been accused of molesting children TWICE.  And I think he did it.  Yes, I know he was acquitted, but so was OJ and I believe he was guilty as well.  This took away all of my remaining good will I’d had for him in my heart.  The first accusation I could blow off.  But number two makes him repugnant.  He should have died in jail doing hard labor.  I have no compassion for people who sexually abuse children.

The person who died yesterday had three children who were probably not his biologically (after all, he was still, biologically, a black man).  Which is fine, but the making them go out in blankets and hoods, the keeping them inside… they were being raised by a lunatic and I hope he didn’t molest them too.  I also hope they can be raised by someone who is sane, but there don’t seem to be a lot of choices in the Jackson clan or even in their mothers (although, to be fair, I don’t know WHO Blanket’s mother is.  No one does).

This person who died yesterday owed everyone he ever met money.  He thought he was too good to have to pay anyone back.  He left his debts to his poor children and they might be penniless when everyone he owed gets a piece of whatever the remaining pie was.  MJ seemed to believe that his problems were always because of other people and should always be solved by them too.  There was not a lot of personal responsability going on in his life.  He didn’t seem to have real friends, just sycophants who always ended up bitter and low on cash after being taken for a ride by Michael, the bleeder of cash.

This person who died yesterday was a seriously troubled wreck.  An absolute freak in more ways than one.  Both physically and emotionally and I am just glad that he is at peace finally.  It must be so hard to live in the world with so much obvious self-hatred.  There seemed to be mental illness galore and deviant behavior as well.  I mean, he liked to be called the King of Pop!  I always say, if you have to make up your OWN nickname and then force people to call you that, well, your real nickname should probably be “Psycho”.  Or something…

I will not miss MJ and I will not mourn him.  I can still listen to his best works whenever I want, it’s not like he was ever going to produce anything like it again.  I do not mourn for his squandered potential because it’s been wasted for years and I am well over it.  Out of the three hugely popular 50 yer old entertainers, (Prince, MJ and Madonna) who’d a thunk 20 years ago that MJ would be the most freaky of the bunch AND the first to die).

I am writing this because an icon from my youth is now gone and I feel like I should feel SOMETHING.  The fact that I don’t troubles me so I wanted to get my feelings down to figure out why.  Poor Prince Michael Jackson 1 and 2 and poor Paris.  I hope someone is comforting them today.