I am starting to suspect that I am crazy.

I am not kidding.

I feel like there are two sides of my personality and that I am constantly being pulled to one side or the other.  First there’s the fiercely liberal side of my personality.  I am for woman’s rights and gay marriage and equality and all that jazz.  The other side is Christian world where all life is sacred and it’s His way or the highway… Being inside my head these days is not pleasant and not for the faint of heart!

Lets just say that not only do I often disagree with other people on issues, hell, I often disagree with MYSELF on issues… in the same day.  Like I’m all, “The government needs to stay out of my womb!” fist pumping rage and then I start thinking “But what about the innocent babies?  The innocent lives lost?  Those babies deserve to live!”  And then I think, “But why is it the woman who is always stuck with the baby in the end?  Why don’t they go after the fathers?  The system we have right now just sucks and it takes TWO to tango!”  And then I think, “But even if that’s so, it’s not the baby’s fault and, though it’s a huge sacrifice, if you carry the baby until birth it could be adopted.”  And then I start thinking about rape and incest and THEN I need to go have myself a big bowl of ice-cream.  With hot fudge and lots of whipped cream.

I feel like I’m not a very good Christian because I have such thoughts.  I think God is much more black and white about what is right and wrong while I tend to seek out the gray areas and the loop holes.  Other Christians seem so SOLID in their beliefs but I just always see two sides to every story and I have compassion for both.

It doesn’t help that I am a Libra… SEE?  There I go again.  I’m not supposed to even think about star signs anymore but I just wrote about them on my blog.  To paraphrase Anne Lamott (one of my favorite writers –SOOO talented!), When I talk like that I think Jesus just rocks himself to sleep at night.   That’s the way I think He probably feels about me too.  Boy, Karen has a good heart and good intentions, but is she ever misguided!  Or, Would you pick a side?  I’m getting dizzy here!

Make no mistake, I LOVE God with all of my heart and I want to serve Him.  But… I obviously need to get some things straight in my own mind before I’ll be any good to Him.  Although, He can use anyone for His purposes so maybe He CAN use me, faults, contradictions and all.

…I hope so…

Oh, and by the way, new cartoons are up.  What a novel concept!

Advertisements